The first
resilience-factor that contributes to a lifestyle of resilience is: a
reconciled past and an emotional stability. A dear friend of mine, Guenter
Refle, a philosopher and consultant has described it as follows: ‘he who isn’t
aware of his own history, who doesn’t accepts and embraces it, cannot really
enjoy his present, and can hardly plan his future in a meaningful way. Who gets
stuck in his past, because of unresolved negative experiences has not enough
energy to build a healthy lifestyle of resilience and emotional stability.
Naturally,
I am not saying that it has to be the goal to ‘solve’ everything of our past,
or that we are able to reconcile it all to gather and would be able to leave it
behind us. We are all human beings and are faced with our personal boundaries
within this thematic.
A
reconciled past starts with this acceptance: ‘I am a human being, throughout my
life I have had many beautiful experiences but have also sustained brokenness.’
Everyone has to deal with a certain personal brokenness. The question is: do I
have the courage to face my brokenness, and to say: this is my personal
brokenness, it is part of me. Out of my Christian background I am willing to go
a step further. I take responsibility where applicable, and forgive myself.
Plus, I forgive the others that have caused brokenness in my life!
A personal
brokenness of mine is the result of the fact that I have had an amazing father,
but he died when I was 17. It took me many years and many awareness-processes
before I was able to fully accept and embrace this. Around my 40th
this process was completed in most facets, which enabled me to deal with it in
a positive way. It has since become a source of inspiration for me, as I enjoy
being a father ever more than before.
A
reconciled past is not only implying ‘dealing with brokenness’, it is just as
much about re-discovering your successes and amazing personal stories and
experiences. This next exercise is a great way to reminisce both aspects
(brokenness and successes), and to develop building-blocks for a healthy life:
- Divide your past into 4 equally large pieces.
- Describe at least 2 success-stories for every period (so that you will have a total of 8 success-stories).
- Behind every story hide various skills that you have used, write all of them down, and select 5-7 most frequent skills. These are evidently skills that fit you very well, and that constantly re-surface throughout your personal history.
- Describe 1 personal crisis for every period. Think about how things went wrong, and about how you sustained brokenness.
- Now, try to translate these 4 stories into lessons that you have learned from them. Since, often you learn the lessons far further along the road. Summarize these lessons into 5-7 important (to you) life-lessons.
These 5
little exercises are step 1. Step number 2 is to share this result with a
trusted friend. By talking about it many things become clearer/more realistic.
Just ask him/her for general feedback. Step 3 is to employ the 5-7 skills more
often throughout daily life. It will give you more energy, and you will be able
to build more resilience and emotional stability. In regard to the 5-7
life-lessons, try to understand how they could bring you closer to a life that
is characterized by values that are important to you. This might also mean that
you have to forgive yourself and others in your life and past.
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